Love & Living

LOVE & LIVING/Murderous jealousy: How my impotent ex-husband killed my boyfriend!

TRUE CONFESSION

MURDEROUS JEALOUSY: How my impotent ex-husband killed my boyfriend!

People always say that wonders will never end in this world. That’s because the world is full of mystery. What happened to me is just like a movie.

Indeed, it is just like a movie and I’m still trying to recover from the shock of what i went through. Is it a crime to be married to an impotent man and leave him? What else could I have done after been married to an impotent man for 15 years without a child, if not to leave him for good? I want readers to judge for themselves in this matter between me and my ex-husband, Marcus.

Marcus was short, ugly and fat when I met him years ago in the village during the yuletide period. I have the habit of traveling home to the village whenever it is Christmas because there’s nothing compares to celebrating Christmas in your hometown.

I love traveling home for the holidays and I did just that 16 years ago when I met my husband. Although Marcus was short, ugly and fat, he had the most beautiful smile in the whole wide world and I fell for that most beautiful smile of his.

We became friends and when he learned that I was still in school, he pledged to sponsor my education, which he did. And I am forever grateful to him for that singular act of charity.

Our relationship lasted from my first year in the university till my final year when we decided to settle down.

We got married when I was in my final year because Marcus told me that he was afraid that if he did not marry me now, I would dump him for another man after I had graduated and then all the money he had spent sponsoring my education would have been wasted. That is in addition to him having a broken heart at the end.

So I married him in my final year in order to assure him that I was forever his. I remember our wedding eve.

Marcus took me into his arms and whispered into my ears: “Amaka, I will always love you. I will cross the seven seas with you and climb the seven mountains until death do us part.”

That was one of the sweetest sweet nothings I had ever heard in my life.

However, we got married and as the years progressed, I realized that I was living in hell. Marcus never told me that he couldn’t father a child before marrying me.

And for the next 15 years he hid the truth for me while I grieved every morning of every day for my barrenness, thinking that the fault was mine.

It was my husband’s personal physician who secretly told me the truth. And that was when I decided to leave my husband. I moved my things out of my husband’s house on the same night he traveled for business.

I moved in with a young man I had taken as my lover and before long, I conceived for him.

I decided to officially divorce my husband, Marcus, and the divorce litigation was still on when strange things began to happen to my young lover.

First, my boyfriend was attacked and beaten up by thugs on his way back from work one night. He was hospitalized for three days and resumed work only for the same thugs to ambush him again two weeks later and stab him to death with broken bottles.

I heard gossip that it was my husband who had organized the thugs to commit the crime. It was a very trying period for me but I managed to carry my pregnancy for my dead young lover to the end, and I gave birth to a baby boy.

However, immediately my husband heard that I had given birth to a baby boy, he started claiming the child as his own and begging me to return to his house.

Marcus is still begging me to come back to his house. He is begging me to let him hide the shame of his impotence by adopting the boy as his own child.

He said that in his culture, when a married woman gives birth, the boy belongs to her husband, irrespective of who impregnated her. But I’ve told Marcus to go to hell. I’ve told him that he’s lucky that I don’t have evidence to have him arrested and prosecuted for murder.

I’ve now given birth to my child. And I’m ready to raise the boy I had for my late boyfriend on my own as a single mother. As far as I’m concerned, Marcus is a murderer and I will never return to his house.

RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE ADVICE 

‘I am always ‘hungry’ because he’s weak and can’t give me enough’

Dear Love Doctor,

Models

I have been married for 10 years now and for 7 years out of the 10, I have not enjoyed sex with my husband. He usually comes very fast and leaves me sexually frustrated. Now for the last three years, I had an arrangement with somebody who has been satisfying me, unknown to my husband. I did it because I have tried everything to make sure my husband is able to satisfy me, including buying sex pills for him, but nothing worked. However, after seeing my spiritual director last week, he advised me to stop committing adultery and make another effort to make my husband satisfy me in bed. My parish priest said that I shouldn’t give up. What do I do?

Thanks,

Angela.

Love Doctor’s Advice

Dear Angela,

I think your parish priest has a point. Marriage is for better, for worse. It is a commitment to remain with your partner for life and help him address all his inadequacies. Committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life means you should never give up on that person.

You need to keep trying to help your husband satisfy you in bed, except your husband is no longer willing to try. You’re there to encourage him. With your encouragement, he is likely to improve in his sexual performance.

Here are some tips to help you help your husband satisfy you in bed:

1. Discuss with him 

Explain to your husband that you married him because you love him. Therefore, your commitment to him goes beyond having sex. It is more about sharing lives. This explanation should lay a good foundation on which you can build on to improve his sexual performance.

2. See a doctor, sex therapist, psychologist, counselor or relevant professional

Book an appointment with a professional and go along with your husband to see him/her. Professionals are well trained to manage such cases, so don’t hesitate to see a relevant professional to help you and your husband spice up your sex life. Through a complete medical examination which may include blood, semen and/or other tests, a doctor would find out the cause of the problem and help him get a solution.

3. Examine yourself to determine if you’re part of the cause

Don’t be surprised that you may even be a part of the cause of your husband’s inability to satisfy you in bed. For instance you may be overweight or have body odour, poor hygiene or anything that could turn him off sex. So you need to check yourself too to make sure that you’re not part of the reason your husband doesn’t give you all the sexual pleasure you want.

4. Make yourself sexually appealing to your husband

The good news is that if you’re part of the cause, then you’re also part of the solution; because if you start making yourself sexually appealing to your husband, his performance in bed will improve. What kind of perfumes do you use? What kind of clothes do you wear in bed? Maybe you can start by buying new sexy perfumes and lingerie that can help you arouse your husband.

5. Avoid self-medication

When faced with sexual challenges, many people, out of ignorance, resort to self-medication. Some people resort to drinking medicinal substances or buying sexual performance enhancing drugs like Viagra without a doctor’s prescription. This is wrong and extremely dangerous to health. Please do not buy any so-called sexual enhancing orthodox or traditional medicinal substance for your husband to ingest without first seeing a doctor and getting the doctor’s advice. Be warned: Many of these so-called sex drugs contain dangerous chemicals and poisons (that can seriously harm your body system without you knowing).

Self-medication kills. And self-medication is largely a result of ignorance. For instance, some men who have a history of high blood pressure are known to have died after using some drugs for the purpose of getting a harder and longer-lasting erection.

Encourage your husband to see a doctor for a complete medical examination. Doctors are able to see many things about our bodies that we do not see. So never encourage your husband to engage in self-medication in order to boost his sexual performance.

6. Make sure he is free from stress, anxiety or other psychological or emotional pressure

Stress is a major factor that kills a person’s libido. For instance, if you have too much work to do, you’re likely to have a lower sexual desire. So make sure your man is free from stress. Help him to find out ways to manage stress in the office or workplace so that when he comes back home at night, he will still be able to ‘perform’.

Anxiety is also another thing to watch. If your man is too anxious to satisfy you in bed, he may just end up doing the opposite.

7. Encourage your husband to keep fit through exercise and a balanced diet

When last did your husband go to the gym or work out at home?

Exercise will help both your husband and you keep fit and thereby boost your performance in bed. Through good exercise, your husband will shed unnecessary calories and improve his heart and body. Through regular exercise, he will also discover that he feels less stressed out. He will also happily find that he now has more energy to perform his duty of satisfying you in bed. Those are just a few of the benefits of keeping fit.

Also, help your husband watch what he eats. Adopting a good diet program will help refresh his body and mind and lead to improved sexual performance.

8. Tell him what pleases you and help him find your g-spot

Have you ever told your husband what he can do to make you reach orgasm? If you haven’t yet told him what gives you maximum sexual pleasure and satisfaction, your silence is the main reason your husband can’t satisfy you! Therefore, you’re the main cause of your husband’s problem.

For many women, oral clitoral satisfaction or sucking or ‘eating’ their private parts makes them reach orgasm. However, since every individual is different, what works for some may not work for others.

Tell your husband what stimulates you, so that he can do it and satisfy you in bed. Don’t hesitate or feel ashamed about telling him, because you can’t be happy without sexual satisfaction. Help your husband find your g-spot or tell him what arouses you, stimulates you, or makes you come, for the sake of your own happiness.

The above 8 tips will help you spike your husband’s sexual performance and leave you satisfied anytime, any day, anywhere. Good luck as you implement them!

Do you have advice on this problem? Please share your thoughts. Call 07031028714 or 08131161840. Email: ireto007@yahoo.com

Note: If you have fertility problems like childlessness, inability to conceive or get pregnant, miscarriages, fibroid, low sperm count, STDs, or need a male child or female? Call 07031028714, 08131161840. Love Doctor can help you succeed in your marriage/relationship.

IT HAPPENED TO ME

STRANGE: Woman says having extra-marital affairs makes my marriage stronger!

It’s not only happening on House of Cards. This woman considers a don’t-ask-don’t-tell rule the secret to her marital bliss.

It’s a Wednesday night, and my boyfriend and I are drinking wine and making out in the back booth of a dimly lit bar. It feels like nothing else in the world exists… until my phone vibrates.

“It’s my husband. The kids are in bed,” I say, then put my phone in my purse and pull my boyfriend toward me. I spend half a second staring at the diamond on my engagement ring before hiding my hand from my sight line. It’s not a secret that I’m married, but it’s also not something I want to think about right now.

Am I a horrible person? Without context, I know I sound horrible. But in my marriage, having affairs works. My husband and I don’t talk about it. But I’m certain our don’t-ask-don’t-tell rule is what has allowed our marriage to last as long as it has.

Notice that I didn’t say we’re in an open marriage—we’re not. An open marriage is transparent, with agreed-upon rules and an understanding of what both parties will and will not do with others. My marriage is opaque. I recognize what Frank and Claire Underwood have in House of Cards, although I like to think my husband and I aren’t as soulless as their characters. But there are similarities: We know the other has secrets, but we don’t care to find out more. It’s an attitude people think of as very French—the idea that you can have an affair and a healthy marriage. Quite honestly, it works. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

When Dave* and I met in our late 20s, I knew that he was a player. So was I. We also had chemistry beyond anything else I’d ever experienced. We just got each other. When I was with him, I could be myself. He was the only boyfriend I’ve ever told the truth to about how many men I’d slept with, because I believed that no matter what I said, he’d never judge me. He also never seemed to get jealous.

After about six months of late-night booty calls, Dave and I settled into a proper relationship and started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. At first, it was incredibly volatile. After not hearing from him for an evening, I’d go ballistic. He’d refuse to engage, saying he had nothing to apologize for. We yelled about cheating—he’d do it, I’d do it, we’d be furious with each other. But eventually, I realized this dynamic wouldn’t change. One of us would always act out if cheating was against the rules.

But what if it wasn’t? What if we both admitted that, yes, we were sometimes tempted, and that sometimes we acted on that temptation? I think I was the one who brought it up over dinner one night, just after we’d moved in together. I told him that I’d no longer ask questions, that I didn’t want to know. He said he’d do the same. We reaffirmed that we loved each other, and that wouldn’t change. And then, without drawing up any official rules, we embarked on our anything-but-traditional relationship.

We got married seven years ago and now have two sons, ages four and nearly two. The arguments started up again during my first pregnancy. I was pretty sure Dave was sleeping with someone else while I was stuck at home. Before, I felt we could both have our cake and eat it, too, but the last thing I wanted to do when I was pregnant was seek out an affair. It seemed tawdry and gross, and I resented the fact that all my husband had to do was slip off his ring and he’d look single. Meanwhile, I was huge, hormonal, and knew my husband was cheating on me. When I told him how I felt, he broke off his side situation.

Toward the last trimester of my pregnancy, Dave was amazing. He was home every night, did everything around the house, and was 100-percent there for me—but I still felt resentful and like I’d gotten the short end of the stick.

A few months after our son was born, I quickly got into a relationship with a former coworker. It wasn’t great—I really would have rather been at home with my son, and I felt I was punishing myself for my husband’s behavior during my pregnancy. I liked my coworker, but I know I pushed us into romantic territory fast because I wanted to feel desired. My husband and I had some huge fights during that time, and we both uttered the word “divorce.” But deep down, neither of us wanted that. We love each other. We also seriously like other people.

I ended my affair, and for the next six months or so, my husband and I recommitted to our marriage and our family. And once we settled into a comfortable rhythm of life with a baby, we both began relaxing into our old routines. He came home late. I flirted with men when I went out with my single girlfriends. And little by little, we reached the point we’re at now, where both of us occasionally have affairs on the side but always come home to each other.

Normally, the guys I have affairs with are men I meet through my job—I travel a lot—as an event coordinator, at parties, through friends of friends, or even old flames I’ve reconnected with on Facebook. I’ve always been the type of person who gets physical fast, and being married hasn’t changed that. I don’t keep my marriage a secret from the guys I date—I don’t take off my rings and I mention my husband and kids in front of them—but I also don’t make it an issue. Often, they’re cheating as well, and I feel there’s an unspoken code about what we do and don’t discuss.

Right now, I’m 40 and my husband is 38, and I do wonder how long we can keep this up. I don’t want to actively seek out affairs. I feel like my work, thanks to all those business trips, has made it easy to fall into them without doing much damage to my everyday life.

I haven’t said “I love you” to anyone else since I met my husband, and I do sometimes wonder how my husband feels toward the women he meets. I know—and hope he knows—that very few women would put up with a similar type of relationship, and I think that understanding is part of the bedrock of our bond.

When I say I’m going out, he tells me to have a good time. He’ll send texts, but I’m not obligated to respond. I text him if I won’t be coming home (which, truthfully, happens very rarely since we’ve had kids), and I always have safe sex. Sometimes, I truly am just going out for a glass of wine with a girlfriend, but I like the intrigue that I could be meeting a man. I’m pretty sure when he goes out, it’s to meet a woman—or women. I think I can tell when he is in a serious “relationship”—he’ll wear the same cologne and leave with a book tucked under his arm to give her—versus when he may be casually meeting someone for sex. He also travels a lot for work, and I don’t know what he does while he’s gone. It’s harder when I think something is going on while we’re both in town.

The more I think about it, the less okay I am with our lifestyle, so I’ve become pretty good at shutting down that part of my brain. Because truth be told, I do worry that Dave might fall in love with someone else. That’s why when I see his secret smiles or notice him spending tons of time texting, I step it up on my end, asking him to be home on a certain night and initiating sex. I remind him how much I love him and how much our marriage means to me.

I won’t talk to him about it directly, though, because while it’s terrifying to imagine my husband leaving me, I know it’s possible. But that’s true in any relationship, and I don’t think the fact that my husband can sleep with other women makes him any more likely to fall in love with one of them. I believe that if you love something, you let it go, and if it’s yours, it’ll come back to you. Of course, that’s easier said than done, but it’s something I try to remind myself. And so far, he’s come back every time.

And for that matter, so have I. I’ve had three relationships since Dave and I got married. Even though I was very fond of each of those men, I didn’t want to be married to them. The affairs aren’t my real life. They’re fancy cocktails and tiny plates and falling asleep without the whooshing sound of a baby monitor. And they make me that much happier for the family I do have.

I’ve often thought about what would happen if Dave and I were to be more transparent, but I don’t think it would work. We live in a society where monogamy is everything, and it’s hard to explain that you can love having sex with multiple people but still only love one person. We both know this, but if we tried to put our behavior into words, I’m afraid we’d say things we’d regret. The closest we came was when I got an abnormal Pap smear result. The retest came back normal, but it did give me pause and make me wonder how safe what we were doing was, physically and emotionally. Dave and I had a serious talk about safety, but spoke mostly in the abstract—about things that might have happened in the past—and came down to the rule that we will always have safe sex with other people.

I’m not sure what will happen as our sons get older—or, for that matter, what will happen as we get older. For now, our personal decisions don’t affect our sons’ lives, but if that changes—if the kids start asking questions, or if one of us starts missing major milestones because we’re spending too much time out of the house—then Dave and I may need to lay everything on the table and reconfigure the dynamics of our relationship. We also may find that playing with fire isn’t as much fun. Already, I find my priorities have shifted so much in the past decade—most of the time, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than home on the floor, playing with my son and husband.

But that’s most of the time. Once every few weeks, there’s something magical about being out with a man who’s not my husband. Just call it the secret spark that keeps my marriage alive.

*Name has been changed.

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